mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just had sex bonerless
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
