So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
