Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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