After last night, I could never be a politician.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
