your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
