I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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