Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
