I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
