so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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