If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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