don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
