Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
