after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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