I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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