dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You can't motorboat a personality
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
True college students do jello shots in the library
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