just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
