I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i believe in u and ur pee
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
