I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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