dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
