Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
