The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
