I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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