Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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