I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
