Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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