I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
