come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
