K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
