Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
