i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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