how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
