You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
