Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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