So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
