he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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