im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
