now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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