i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
