I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
