he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
