Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
