You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
