grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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