Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
