ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
