my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
