a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
