I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
