He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
