I just made out with a guy for $7.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
