my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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