I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
