wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
