Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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