So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
