pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
