i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
