if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
