I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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