i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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