I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
