Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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